From Psycho to Princess Playlist
I used to be a functional “psycho chick”. I could hide it well until I got close to someone and I felt like I might be abandoned. Once, I kept a boy who wanted to break up with me in my car all night long. Every time he tried to get out of the car I would hurt myself. After a long and painful night for both of us, I put my foot through the windshield. Told ya I was crazy… and that was only the beginning of the crazy girl stuff.
This weekend marks 11 years since I met my husband and this is the story of how I went from psycho to princess.
Me.
I used to gel those swirls to my cheeks. Nice.
A funky girl with “issues”. When I met Brent I was a 21 year old junior in college studying english lit and theatre. I was lonely, insecure, and mentally ill but I was also creative, adventurous, and sincere. I had moved out to California from Indiana at 18 because I wanted to be an actress and was trying to finish college in 3.5 years so I could move to LA or NYC. I should add that although I was crazy, you might doubt it from the outside. I also believed in God (the Jesus-y God) and had since I was in 7th grade.
Brent.
A quiet pensive guy who was also a bit lonely. He had been a drummer in a band and was lucky enough to have toured the country and parts of the world. When the band broke up he worked in the bookstore at my college, where he had graduated from 4 years earlier. Although the college was small I had never met him. A few months prior to our meeting he had gotten a job at a skate park where he was going to make skateboarding videos but ended up designing websites instead. He too believed in God.
We were neighbors, literally living right next door to each other but didn’t know it. Yet.
A week before we met.
I was in Scottsdale, AZ, visiting my grandparents. I had lived in Scottsdale the summer before maxing out credits at the community college and ASU because, like I said, I wanted to graduate early so I could move to the city. Every time I go to Scottsdale, I visit the church I went to that summer. On this visit, a boy who I was friends with asked me if I wanted to hang out that night. It was Valentine’s Day and I remember sitting in his living room, his perfect living room in his perfect middle class home, imagining what it would be like to be married to him. It freaked me out. Not a little. A lot. The thought made me feel like someone was locking me away in a dungeon filled with spitting cobras. I’ve never been the princess-looking-for-the-knight-type of girl. Too many issues I guess. Late that night after returning to my grandparents house I found myself kneeling on my bed, praying. This was my prayer, “God if you want me to get married You better make it crystal clear because there is no way I am going to lock myself in a dungeon on my own. Amen.”
The following weekend.
Have no idea how we got this photo but it’s from the night we met. (No I’m not wearing a jean jumper.)
My girlfriend and I were having a party at my house. We had the best parties. We would line our long hallway with butcher paper and tack boxes of crayons to the walls so people could draw. We had muscians playing, belly dancing, poetry readings. It was great fun. That night, I was in the kitchen preparing for one of our parties. I was chopping away at the kitchen counter wearing red hair extensions that fell to my waist and homemade beaded false eyelashes when my friend, Ed, poked his head through my front door. With him was Brent. Brent. Brent. Time froze. Standing on my doorstep was the most beautiful human being I had ever seen. I loved him that moment. Maybe not deeply but I loved him and nobody will tell me otherwise. Ed introduced us and just struck by Cupid’s arrow I mumbled the most clever of clever questions “What do you do?”. His response, “I’m a filmmaker.” Gaining my composure, I responded, “Reeeally, well I’m an actress” holding out my hand flirtatiously to be kissed. True. We were ridiculous. That evening we had a magical time dancing and hanging out. I didn’t want the the night to end and I don’t think he did either. Finally, in the wee hours of the morning, he walked back over to his house…next door. I stayed at mine.
The next evening.
Again he showed up on my doorstep. He was trying to be chivalrous. I opened my door wearing a black turtle neck and thick black glasses. “Jenn?” he said? Yes, it’s me. We sat on my couch and talked for hours. I had to ask what he thought about God. Although I was crazy and had 5,698,000,000 issues to work through, I knew one thing that a relationship without God wasn’t going to work for me. So I said, “What do you think about God?” His answer, “What else is there?” His simple answer rang deep within me in a place I can’t adequately describe.
A week later.
We were dancing slow and listening to music in his room. In my head, like a dream, I saw us dancing in front of what felt like the feet of God. Brent was kissing my head and drops of oil were forming. The drops of oil were stacking up on top of one another, a glistening tower reaching up to God. It may sound weird and I suppose it was but it was also beautiful. So beautiful that I hugged him tightly. In that moment, I heard these words, “You are holding your husband.” It wasn’t an audible loud-speaker-booming-bluelight-special voice but I could hear it as certain as I am alive. “You are holding your husband.” It had been two weeks since I was on my knees in Arizona.
The next two months.
No I didn’t tell him about the dream or the voice. I knew better. I started praying and fasting every Monday and asking for “a sign”. Over the next few months, the crazy girl began to come out. I found out there was a name for my mental condition, Borderline Personality Disorder. (That’s another post entirely.) I read a book on the disorder and while most people find labels restricting I found freedom. Finally, I knew there were others who felt like me and while statistically the prognosis looked bleak I was determined to not lose what I had found in Brent. How did Brent repond? He continued to love me.
Somethings I’ll never understand.
He loved me through every up and down and honestly during that period of our lives there were more downs than ups.
I “surprised” him by handing 30 Promax bars from his ceiling with dental floss.
We had met at the tail end of February and it was now April. In a few weeks, I was to leave for a month’s study in Israel. After Israel, I was planning on spending 10 days in London by myself. I had been there a few years earlier and fell in love with the city. I teasingly said he should meet me in London. The next day he surprised me by saying he had bought a plane ticket. He also joked about getting married. That’s it. That was “my sign”.
I’m easy to please.
Israel
In the Dead Sea.
Israel was one of the most amazing places I have ever been. I wandered the stones paths of old Jerusalem and swam at dawn in the Sea of Galilee pondering my faith and future. Still the ancient marvels of Petra (in Jordan) and the weighlessness of the Dead Sea could not compare with my thoughts of Brent. I counted the days, the hours, the minutes, until I would be able to feel his embrace again. While in Israel, a friend and I discussed our thoughts of marriage. I had not told a soul about the dream or the voice the night we danced in his room. However I said, if I ever get married I want a single small solitaire to symbolize simplicity.
London (3 months after we met)
I had arrived in London a day before Brent was to arrive. One of the longest nights of my life was that night I spent alone in a bed and breakfast London (in King’s Cross nonetheless) waiting for the sun to rise. London was what you’d expect from two young adventurous people in love. We risked our lives by renting a car venturing out into the Cotswolds. We put waaaaay too many amazing meals on the credit card. We stayed up late dancing the night away.
We visited museums, famous sights, and cuddled on park benches. We also got engaged. One night he slipped away to call my parents to ask for permission. Late that night in a conversation he asked sweetly, “Will you marry me?” I simply said, “Yes.”
It is the best thing I’ve ever said.
We were excited and couldn’t sleep. Finally, in the early hours of the morning, we hopped on the tube and went down to the Thames river to walk and talk about the wedding we were now planning for December. The sun was barely up. Brent bought a muffin from a corner convenience store and we strolled happily along the Thames. Just as Brent was about to bite into his muffin bird poop fell from the sky landed on it. He looked at me and exclaimed in disgust, “A bird just shit on my muffin!” Laughing, he threw it into the Thames. I learned that day no matter how wonderful things are shit still happens. It just does. To everyone.
We can’t control the shit but we can choose our response.
Wrap Up.
Brent ended up buying me a ring in London. The first one we saw in an little unassuming jewelry store on a random street. It is a small simple solitaire that I love to this day and have no plans of ever replacing for something bigger. We said our first vows to each other alone in a small church in the Cotswolds. We ended up moving our “official” wedding from December to October. We had a small simple lovely wedding.
We used a Lego theme because from the first weeks of our meeting he always said, “We fit together like Legos”. “Like Legos” is inscribed inside our wedding bands.
I never made it to LA or NYC to live full time like I had dreamed since childhood. Thinking back on my mental state it was probably for the best and I married my soulmate. I wouldn’t trade him for all the world.
The bliss of marriage didn’t take away the cloud of mental illness in our life, in fact, in some ways it complicated it. It would take 5 years of therapy, tears, hard work, perseverance, prayer, and unconditional love until I could confidently call myself healthy. Even then depression would still creep back into my life from time to time. Once I combined all I had learned from therapy with healthy food, exercise, and faith that God loved me because I am me, I was able to step outside myself. I was able to begin to see my potential and the potential of others.
The Playlist
Camping alone in the Sequoias last summer.
If you’ve made it this far thank you for taking the time to read the most important story of my life and my most vulnerable post to date. At this point, you may be wondering what the hell any of this has to do with a playlist. It does. When Brent and I met 11 years ago this weekend, music was one of the first things we found we had in common. Both of us had hundreds of cd’s many of the same ones: Radiohead, The Cure, Depeche Mode, Bjork, New Order, The Velvet Goldmine Soundtrack, The Smiths, Smashing Pumpkins, Led Zepplin, Nirvana, Portishead, Yo La Tango, Air, to name a few.
I love music. All sorts of music from the more obscure to Britney Spears to Kiss. (I’m sorry my love.) I have playlists for certain moods or events. In honor of meeting my soulmate, who has loved me for 11 years on my journey from psycho to princess (He makes me feel like one), I made a playlist based on our common cd collection.
Love Song – The Cure (Possibly the best love song ever.) 
The Whole Shebang – Grant Lee Buffalo, Velvet Goldmine Soundtrack
We Carry On – Portis Head
There is a Light That Never Goes Out – The Smiths
Violently Happy – Bjork (Best song title ever!)
It’s No Good – Depeche Mode
Street Spirit – Radiohead
True Faith – New Order
Autumn Sweater – Yo La Tengo
Bullet with Butterfly Wings – Smashing Pumpkins
Sexy Boy – Air
You can listen to snippets of the entire playlist here.
Enjoy and thanks for reading. Have a wonderful weekend.
Hugs and High Fives,
Jenn
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Journey with our family on the road at Newschool Nomads as we travel fulltime in RV through the United States!
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Jenn,
thank you for sharing your story. It is very touching and I admire your courage to be so open. I’m glad I got to learn more about you.
Love you,
aimee
this was the best flashback friday EVER! i loved reading your story <3
Aww loved your story! With someone who has similar issues to yours I actually teared up *embarrassed*
Wishing you both all the best
Carolan
Your frankness is so refreshing and admirable! Loved hearing the full story
Thank you for sharing! I think that’s so neat that you kind of knew you were meant to be together!
whoa powerful story! i am really NOT a fan of labels such as borderline…i don’t think you can lump people together just because they have maladaptive ways of coping! one psychiatrist suggested i might have BPD but my therapist was livid because he doesn’t believe in teh diagnosis either. supposedly they’re oging to remove it from the next DSM! i’m glad that you didn’t let it affect you negatively, that you actually grew because of it!
What a wonderful post!!!!!!!!!!!!! U are a strong, beautiful, and smart girl!!! So glad I got to be friends with you on here!!!
Oh girl twitter is confusing to me!!! Im trying to learn!! lol!!
Love ya!! xoxo
I loved reading this. What a neat story. No one has a relationship story like this one.
wow, thanks so much for sharing, and for being so honest. I’m so glad that you found your brent – what a great story! I love stories like these – they make you feel good and hopeful!
Awww. This is incredibly sweet. I totally GET love stories like this. Thank you for sharing!
You guys are awesome! What a beautiful story and picture of God’s unconditional love. I’m so glad you found each other and that God made it all so clear.
thanks for sharing..
I feel I know you a little better as a family member
I’m happy for you and B
Would love to meet you (ONE day we will for sure)
All I can say is “WOW”. So powerful. Love the photos. You are right- he’s ridiculously handsome- love the sideburns. It takes a real man to rock those
Love the Smiths & Morrissey too. I’ll listen to your playlist another time.
Thanks for sharing the story of your illness- I am a new reader and had no idea. It’s inspirational to hear how well you’ve coped despite some rough times.
You are very very lucky you found your soul mate. I love all the old photos. They are all fantastic: the first one with your jeans rompers (kidding!) where you are both looking so demure. And the London one in front of the bridge. And the photo booth ones. All sooo cool.
Thanks for a wonderful post- I was literally glued to each and every word.
Congrats on entering your 12th year together (My hubs always puts in in those terms…not that you’ve been together for 11 but you’re entering your 12th…just for effect
)
Jen,
don’t know if you will remember Meera…. from Westmont too! saw this blog from your FB wall and was glued to reading your heart told story!
Congrats on 11 years! u go girl!
I LOVE hearing people’s “how we met” stories! What a story you both have. He sounds like a great man, with you though thick and thin. And hanging protein bars from the ceiling? Swoon!
How romantic that you were married in the Cotswolds! So picturesque.
Your honesty is so refreshing in this post. Truthfully, I think there’s a little psycho and a little princess in all of us 😉
I loved your story. You are not alone! I was Psycho Babble then met my prince. I know that feeling of “it better be a big 2×4 that hits me upside the head”. I knew it was Krishna the day he showed up for “Our first date”.
Too funny!! My fiance looks at me and laughs when I eat the apple down to nothing!!!! Hope your weekend was great beautiful! xoxo
What a story, you have definately found your soulmate, with you through thick and thin. Thanks for sharing!
love it. love u.
That was an enthralling story, thanks so much for sharing it!
That was a beautiful post Jenn (and that pic of you and Brent in the Sequoias last summer is gorgeous).
I love learning about people and what makes them tick (especially learning more about people I really really like, like you :-)). Many times when I see someone walking down the street, I think, ” I wonder what *their* story is?”
Thank you so much for opening this part of your life on your blog. xo
PS – Great playlist …
Omg so beautiful and inspiring!
Every post I read, I just wish I had spent more time hanging out with you when we lived in Ventura. <3
That little bio made me very proud that you are my sister and made me feel alot closer to you knowing we have so much in common including being married to the wonderful Nims boys!
Wow Jenn, your story of how you met puts mine to shame!
I have great stories to share after that but yours is so much more whimsicle and love-based. I Loved it!
Thanks for sharing.
PS. Yes, the Filet-O-Fish has been my favorite since I was a kid, too – and I dont even care for fish! My grandpa told me it was made of special shark meat and would make me strong. LOL. Ever since then, I loved it. I know, sounds weird right? I really think the tartar sauce is the secret, though.
Beautiful story. It’s wonderful that you made record of it.
I had a similar experience with “the voice” that told me, “You’re going to marry him,” on the first night we met. I shook it out of my head for 1) I was so done with relationships (divorced for several years, hated the dating scene), and 2) he was about to go back to his country in 2 weeks (and had non-refundable plane ticket, was registered for college, and his visa was about to expire), and 3) it wasn’t love-at-first-site (although he was definitely pleasant and easy on the eyes).
We’ve been married now for almost 15 years.
PS: btw — We were married in Danforth Chapel on the Arizona State University campus (near the library). Nice, small, simple ceremony. I read you went to ASU, too.
Jenn! amazing story! Thank you for sending me the link! And the pics of you and him together are just great. Totally can SEE and FEEL how much love you two have for each other. The night you met, that swirly red action in your hair…love it! And in all these photos you look amazing!
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story! I am so happy for you that you found such a great man and a great path in life.
Also, Jordan is awesome. That is where I am going this summer and where my dad’s family is from!!!!
This is such a generous and lovely post! Thank you for sharing it. I love “Like Legos” so much (Kelly loves Legos, I’m surprised he’s never come up with this on his own for us). And THIS sums up my philosophy of life in a nutshell: ” I learned that day no matter how wonderful things are shit still happens. It just does. To everyone. We can’t control the shit but we can choose our response.” I could not agree more. It’s the only thing we can choose! Our own behavior and actions. Wise you are.
Thanks again. I’m so happy you got well and that you had Brent’s support to help you find your way. What an incredible love story!
I had no idea and I didn’t think I could like you more, but I do. You are an amazing woman, and Brent is a lucky man. And you are a lucky lady. No, you aren’t lucky, either of you. You were meant to be together, and that isn’t luck.
This is by far my favorite Jenn post ever. LOVE it.
This is such a beautiful story. It is unperfectly perfect – if that makes sense! Just by looking at the pictures you can see how in love you both are
I just love it. Love.
Well, that’s about as “authentic” a love story that I’ve ever heard!
Cheers my friend!
(Brought a smile to my face!!)
Jenn,
What a beautiful story, I love it. Thank you for posting it.
I so wish we could meet. I enjoy your travels. My hubby & I have traveled every country but Antartica.
You seem so sweet…it’s hard to believe you had such an illness. So glad you are well now. We too are into health and my hubby is a trainer. I’ve always wanted to be a gypsy and travel like you do but Rich isn’t one for rev’s. Thank you for sharing your story…so glad you are part of the Nims family. God bless you all!
What great story. Keep growing and moving forward I enjoy following your posts .