How I got here.
This weekend, I’m officially eight weeks out from the show and I’m feeling really great. Nope, my life is not perfect and everything is not going exactly the way I want it, but despite it all, I feel better than ever! I think most of it has to do with getting regular exercise and eating a quality whole food diet. I really do.
I was thinking about this time of my life last year. Honestly, I was a wreck. Unless you knew me well you might not have known but inside I was hurting and struggling with some severe depression due to some circumstances outside my control and faulty wiring in my brain. The thing with the faulty wiring is that I’ve learned over the years, through some intense therapy and hard work, that I can function really well IF I take care of myself. But this takes some serious discipline, a skill I greatly lack. For some, reason last year I wouldn’t take care of myself. I was eating crap all the time and I started to slack on my exercising. Unfortunately, this is a bad cycle and it’s hard to break, even when your not depressed but I think if your depressed it’s even harder. Because you know going to the gym will help your depression but since your depressed you can’t find the motivation to care. So as the months wore on, I felt worse and worse and eventually quit exercising all together and was eating crap all the time. My depression started to compound with a series of disappointing news. And then a friend who I had confided in used personal information to betray and hurt me. Although, my friend had given plenty of warning signs, the emotional pain sent me deeper into one of my worst bouts of depression. And after a few months I wasn’t sure who I had become. I was angry at my friend. I was angry with God for not “fixing” my brain. I was angry at the housing market. (I still am.) I was angry with my body. But most of all I was angry at myself. One day I tried to pull on a pair of jeans that I had worked really hard to fit into after I had my kids but they wouldn’t button. I had to go out to the Goodwill box and get an old pair of jeans that I was planning on giving away because they were, at one time, too big. This was a very painful moment for me. I know weight shouldn’t matter so much and it’s what’s on the inside that really counts. And I believe that. I REALLY DO but the reality is we live in a culture that values beauty and for most people fat is not considered beautiful. I tried to tell myself that what I looked like didn’t matter. But the truth was, to me, it did.
It was time to get honest with myself and my choices. There were a lot of disappoints and hurt surrounding those months but I had chosen to console myself with food and apathy. I had chosen to abandon who I really was and what I believed was a healthy lifestyle. I was choosing to be angry instead of looking to the root of my problems. I had to make a choice. Was I going to continue to console my feelings with food and get sadder and fatter or was I going to face my feelings? I decided I would start small and get back to the gym a few times a week. And I started watching my food. I decided to quit eating sugar. Within days I started to feel better. A few months later and a few pounds lighter I decided I needed more motivation if I was going to get in the best shape of my life. So I set a date to compete in a figure competition. And now a few months later, a year after one of my worst bouts of depression began, I feel like a new person. I knew cleaning up my diet and working my butt off in the gym would…well…shrink my butt. What I didn’t know was that this would end up being much more than a battle with fat. But it became a fight to dig up some of my old “moxie” that had been buried under hurt, self-doubt and depression.
If you struggle with depression and are reading this, I want you to know that I and many others know what you are going through. And as cliche as it may sound, it’s imperative, if you are not taking care of the basics, i.e., getting regular exercise and eating well, that you start to do so. Don’t wait. Start small. Start today. Most people can improve their depression if they take care of the basics and after you take care of the basics you’ll be amazed at how great you can feel. I’m not a doctor or psychologist by any means but as a fellow person, a friend, who has struggled with depression off and on, I’ve noticed a HUGE correlation with my mental well-being and my food and exercise habits. When I’m taking care of myself my body responds by taking care of me. Not that a healthy diet and exercise will solve EVERYTHING. It won’t but it sure can make a enormous difference.
Wow. I sat down intending to write about how excited I was to see 120 pounds on Evil Scale but realized that what I’m truly excited about is how great I feel due the the healthy lifestyle choices I’ve been committed to the last 6 months. And I want you to know that no matter where you are on your journey that you’re awesome (yes I still say “awesome”) and that great things are ahead.
Hugs & High Fives
j
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This is my (almost) sane quest for insane health. Let's 
Wow, what a journey! I’m so proud of you my love. You have shown such dedication & discipline, it is really inspiring. Who knew what a profound effect this would have…
This is an amazing site which I know I will be looking at regularly! You are such an inspiration and I’m so proud of you! Keep it up….there is no limit to how this will help and change people’s lives!
I love your site. Very informative with a twist of humor. I am sure many people will enjoy it. You look fantastic.
What discipline. The competition should be great even if you are “Competing to Lose”. Keep up the great work.
Great site and an inspiration. I agree with you whole heartedly about the mind body connection. I did the Body for Life competition last year, I felt great. I let it all slip away during the winter months, for no particular reason, but am fighting my way back, one meal at a time.
Your pictures are great, and you should be proud of yourself. Not only for the physical, but the mental progress that you have shared with us. I delved deep into your site, and in your workout log you did burpees; what are those?
How motivating! After having a baby seeing your pictures makes me ready to get back in shape. I will continually be checking in on your progress and coming to your website for healthy information.
Congratulations! Pictures are worth a thousand words…
Wow, Reading your site just brought a flood of emotions through me… That is me, everything you were… Even the part about your friend who used info to hurt you ( I think that is what you meant)… Anyway, I just joined BFL for the 10th time and I am hoping I stick to it this time… Like you said though, it is so difficult to get motivated and stay motivated when you are depressed. I can’t seem to get out of this vicous circle…. Thanks for reading, and a huge way to go to you!
Hey Kellie! Thanks for checking out my site. I’m totally understand how hard it is to break free from depression. I think I started BFL like 10 times too!! One day I just decided that I couldn’t let myself down another time. Telling myself I was going to do things but never following through was chipping away at my confidence. I’ve learned it’s better to set small goals that will add up to my larger goals. The small goals keep me motivated and in the moment that way I don’t get down on myself for not reaching my big goals. For example, I had been telling myself for years I would see 120 on the scale again but for years I kept letting myself down to the point I almost gave up hope. Then I decided I would focus on reaching the small goals, e.g., I will go to the bbq and not eat chips…I will lose 1 pound this week…ect….and a few months later I saw 120 for the first time in almost 9 years. Set a small goal each day and they will add up and hopefully with time you’ll notice your depression becoming a thing of the past. Here a big HUG for you!!! YOU CAN BEAT THIS GIRL!!!
SO glad I’m not the only one with these issues! I stopped taking my meds (Paxil, Xanax) before my 2nd pregnancy & haven’t had to go back. Body for Life helps too. But do you find that you are tempted to cut back what BFL recommends for food intake? I am doing my first figure comp in April ’10, & don’t know if I should really cut out the carbs NOW or 3 months out from the competition… I get a little obsessive, & then tend to burn out. Advice?
Your comment reminds me so much of myself.
I’m not an expert but personally I wouldn’t recommend you cut out carbs now. Of course, that depends on what you mean by “cutting out carbs” That usually mean different things to different people. I only drastically cut carbs for about 4 days before my show. Again, drastically to me means around or below 40 or so grams. I liked carb cycling. When I did that I had about 2 days of high carbs, 2 days of super low carbs, and 3 days of moderate carbs. I can’t remember the number ranges off the top of my head. I based them on my weight and total caloric intake. So much of it depends where you are BF% wise too.
Yes, I was tempted to cut back on the carbs BFL recommends but I really like carbs and I know when I cut drastic I rebound even more drastically.
Amazing story of pulling yourself out of a very dicey situation. Kudos to you on that!!
Thanks Deb!
” Because you know going to the gym will help your depression but since your depressed you can’t find the motivation to care.”
Amen to that! I can so identify with the spiral.
Excellent advice about making that first small step. It really works.